Bubbly Belching Blondes

Posted on August 29, 2010 Bren

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Given my local in sunny southern California and my proximity to Los Angeles, it would only be fitting that I try a beer called Hollywood Blonde. Unfortunately this bubbly brew draws far too many parallels with an authentic southern California blonde. It looks great on the outside but once you pop the top off and dig a bit deeper than that pretty facade you’re left unsatisfied and slightly bloated… err I don’t know if actual blondes have that effect… but work with me. Now I am serious when I say that it does look great on the outside, the label is really cool and conjures up the jet set LA life that only an odd combination of Bob Seger songs and the roaring 20’s could describe. So filled with these empty dreams of living the life of a Playboy bunny, lets see how this beer crashes like the great depression against Bren’s Beer-o-meter.

Thin bottle, airy head, and completely tasteless, yup that's a Hollywood Blonde.

1. Taste- Much like the many other manufactured blondes that spring out of the LA basin, this oddly bubbly brew left my taste buds vainly searching for more. Now, I understand the purpose of this beer; it is another lager/ale hybrid that is supposed to have the drinkability and lightness of a pilsner but the full bodied hops of a solid pale ale. Unfortunately it missed its mark on this one. Granted it has the hops kick to it, but due to an overwhelming attempt to make it light and bubbly, the beer is unbalanced and tastes closer to a Bud Light (Gasp!) than, say a beer that actually did accomplish this delicate blend, Anchor Steam Beer. So unfortunately this blondie only gets a 2.5 out of 5 for taste.

2. Texture- I’m not sure if you have ever had your mouth washed out with soap, or been caught up in an extasy high at a foam party and tried to eat the boggy mash of fluffy suds that have accumulated on the floor, but if you have (you odd little bugger) then you’ll have a good idea of how this beer feels frothing around in your mouth. If feels like someone had the great idea of turning poprocks into a beer, as soon as this overly carbonated beer hits your mouth it expands with an alarming, and bloating, quantity of stored up CO2. They literally embodied the personality of a Hollywood blonde in this beer, bubbly and empty, and for that it gets a 2 out of 5 for texture.

3. Appearance- Given that it’s a Hollywood blonde it is rather easy on eyes. One of the most distinguishing aspects of this beer is the mile high, thick head it has. Thanks to its bubbly nature, the damn beer clogs up the top of the glass with voluptuous, airy foam. Now as nice as this may look, it has the unfortunate effect of impeding one’s ability to actually drink the beer, and I’m sorry, but isn’t that kinda the point of pouring a nice glass of lager?! So since its fluffy, bubbly bosom impedes my ability to imbibe, I’m going to have to give it a 2 out of 5.

4. Aroma- Couldn’t tell, my nose was clogged with bubbles and foam! Now, once the suds settled and my nose decided to clean up its foam party by dripping condensed beer down the back of my throat, I was able to detect a slight hint of hops, but overall the scent was rather light and reminiscent of the “beer that shall not be named” (Bud Light). For this olfactory obscenity Hollywood Blonde gets a 2.5 out of 5.

5. User Friendliness- Okay so the name and label does make for a conversation piece, but unfortunately unless you’re attending a meeting of the American Flatulence Foundation, this bubbly brew will make you the stinky social pariah of the party. On top of that the damn bubbles fill up your stomach, thus decreasing your ability to consume more beer and food. So needless to say this beer does not rank high on its bromance factor and only earns a 3 out of 5 for user friendliness (we would have ranked it lower, but the fact that it increases your chances of expelling bodily gasses in a noisome manner does give it some appeal when your hanging out with the dudes).

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