The class consisted of a mix of 12 experienced and novice riders, all led by a very charismatic and experienced instructor named, “Doc” (yes, he is a Doctor).  Now, I will jump through the class section rather quickly because even though it is important, it is boring as hell, and all I want to do is get a vibrating engine between my legs… preferably with two wheels and handle bars attached to it. So the class; well it consisted of relatively recently made movies (not the outdated ones staring washed up daytime drama actors you might remember from your driver’s ed classes) depicting the proper maintenance, gear, and handling of a motorcycle. In the class, several new acronyms were introduced into my vernacular to help me remember the motorcycle ignition sequence, and the proper method for entering and following through a turn (very similar to the “SMOG” acronym you learn in driver’s ed). Fortunately, they didn’t show a motorcycle version of red asphalt, though I imagine that would be something similar to watching a MotoGP race, mixed with the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

Imagine this with a guy screaming for his mom and looking for his severed arm.

After all that is said and done, a 50 question test is given. Now if you fail, we provide the following BS (BrenandSven) tip to help you. What you do is walk outside, get into a car, achieve a running speed of 60 MPH, set the cruise control, then open the door and make out with the road . Now you may be thinking, “Hmmm I don’t see how this will help me pass the test?”and “that’s a little harsh.”, but honestly that’s what will happen if you can’t manage to put enough effort into the class to pass that test, then decide to get on a bike. It’s a very easy test! So the class stuff is done, now on to the fun part!

The parking lot is a vast empty playground for 12 imported, beaten, loose, 250 cc bikes that were displayed in front of us like vixens at a bunny ranch. So there we were, young, scared bike virgins, with very experienced and forgiving bikes that, for a mere price of $150, would allow us to flail around on them in preparation for a more respectable bike we would feel ok to bring home to meet the parents. Now don’t get too excited at this point because it’s still an hour before you get to twist the throttle and get your feet off the ground.

The Lot of Dreams, Nasty Badass Dreams!

Before we mount these raggedy steeds, the instructors (there are 2 now, by law they need one instructor for every 6 people) do a complete gear check. From what we noticed, the biggest issue people had was with their shoes. The instructions say you must have a BOOT that must COVER YOUR ANKLE, once again if you can’t follow this simple instruction, follow the BrenandSven tip stated earlier and go kiss the asphalt! Sorry for being harsh, but two out of the 12 riders could not understand this concept and it held up the rest of the class as the instructors tried to solve the issue. So, even though there were issues with shoes, all the other gear is still very important and should be remembered. Just think “Hmmm I like my skin, and I prefer my skin on my body, so I will dress appropriately when I’m on a bike”.

Now on to the beaten motorized vixens that were our bikes. So my little loving whore of a bike was a 2006, 250cc Honda Rebel (I’ll review this little beast in a later post), and even though it was little, as I stated earlier, I had never touched anything with a clutch, so needless to say I was a little apprehensive. If this is a concern you have, you need not worry. Before you even touch the keys, the instructors have you straddle the little bikes and practice shifting gears and managing your throttle. I am a clumsy guy, a very clumsy guy, and I always have been, so getting used to the balancing act of letting out the clutch, increasing the throttle, and not stalling took me some time and a good portion of the first day, but being a relatively intelligent human, I was able to get it down, and I’m sure you will too. So after you do some dry runs with the engine off, you go through an acronym called “FINE-C” to start the bike:

*Note: The first part “F” is not needed for bikes with fuel injections.

Oh Boy!!! Now you get to start that little vixen and feel the vibrations under you crotch!!! I must say it was awesome!! Now that its up and running you get some more practice with the first gear and clutch control. Like all things, you must crawl before you walk, and don’t even think about running yet! So we get to crawl. We start off by doing a power walk (Don’t worry it’s not that awkward waddle old people do at parks with tiny weights in their hand). This is the controlled action of revving the engine, and slowly letting out the clutch to allow just enough power to the wheel to move the bike while using your feet in a walking motion to maintain balance.

After you do a few laps of power walking, you are now used to the concept of a clutch and some vibration between your legs, so you’re ready to get past the bike foreplay and take the plunge. I’ll never forget the moment I lost my motorcycling virginity and lifted my feet of the ground. I was only going 5 mph, but the exhilaration of being propelled by a machine on two wheels was enough to cement my love for motorcycling. After my first lap of actual riding, the instructor, “Doc”, came over to me, knowing this was my first time, and welcomed me to the motorcycling community. This touched a core need I think every person who rides a bike is looking to fulfill, the need for belonging and camaraderie.  After this first ride, the rest of the class was a series of confidence building and fun. We went over how to make proper turns, practice balancing at slow speeds (which is surprisingly easier than you would think), and making emergency stops. At the end of the first day, the instructors have a review of what we went over, and they let you know if they think you should retake the first day, or if you’re ready for more complicated lessons on day two. Obviously, me and my hetero life mate, Sven, made it through the first day just fine (except for some god awful sun burns, which later resulted in a very comical, yet disturbing series of blisters on Sven’s pale head. It looked like someone sneezed on his head when they popped!). On the way home we contemplated the joyous journey we have decided to embark on, and the new things we will learn on day two of this little odyssey.

Me... In my dreams.